I Don't Wanna

I REALLY don't want to do this mammogram thing. I'm a nervous wreck, sitting here thinking "I'll just skip it and do it next year" but I know I can't do that cause that would make me a ninny and will make it extra harder next year when it rolls around.

I'm not scared of the actual procedure itself, of it being uncomfortable or painful (hell no-I pushed out a nearly 10 lb baby without the benefit of as much as an Advil, my pain tolerance is high). I think it's more of an age thing and the fear of "What if there's something in there?" Seeing Sheryl Crow on Good Morning America this morning talk about her whole cancer thing has not helped my nerves. My dad died of prostate cancer, which some studies have linked to breast cancer; his brother died of brain cancer; his sister died at 50 of breast cancer and then their mother's entire family died of one form of cancer or another. I think that's the part that's messing with my head so bad.

It's my Inner Hypochondriac talking. The same one that talked to me a couple years back when the doctor told me I had a heart murmur and wanted me to have an echocardiogram. For a week, I convinced myself I would need to have my valves replaced and visions of Lewis Grizzard danced in my head. When I had the Echo done, the stupid nurse waxed on and off about how SHE had had cancer, blah, blah SHUT UP DON'T TELL ME ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW WHEN I'M FACING CERTAIN VALVE REPLACEMENT YOU MORON!! Oh, I was sure I could never have dental work again because if I did, I would get some sort of infection, because of my heart murmur and I would be one of those sad stories you read about in Guideposts or some nonsense like that.

I'm still not even convinced I have a murmur anyway. I've had two surgeries, three children, plenty of opportunities to have one picked up or heard by then and I don't even as much as have to take an antibiotic when I go to the dentist. I think the doctor wanted a little more cash in his pocket and got some sort of sadistic enjoyment about making me a nervous wreck.

I'm being a baby, I know.