Take a whiff of Sista Smiff and you'll come back for more, that's fo sho!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Gassy Barrel

We went to the Music Valley Dr. Cracker Barrel last night, along with the Mother in law and nephew. The service was soooo slow. Unusually slow. I don't remember ever having it take that long to get served at the Cracker Barrel. That was not the only first I experienced at the CB.

We were seated in the smoking section (it was quicker) at the first table by the kitchen. I was seated next to Mr. Smiff and we were facing the kitchen. There was a table full of people behind me. I didn't pay any attention to them. I was mostly noticing two tables near us with older people who chain smoked the whole time. At one point, I leaned over to Mr. Smiff and said "I'm so glad they brought them their food so they would put their ciggarettes down for a minute." I mean, these people were serious about their smoking.

Because it took what felt like 3 hours before our food arrived, I pondered and watched the Chain Smoking Old People, told #2 to sit down about 80 times and waited.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I hear two farts, followed by a dramatic pause and then another. These were not "Oops" kinda farts. These were deliberate, concentrated and well thought out farts. Whoever they belonged to had to think to themselves "I'm in a public place and I have gas that needs to be released. There are people all around me. Do I fart or not? I think I will fart." Do keep in mind the Fart Owner was directly behind me. I was showered with gas. Strange gas belonging to someone I knew not.

Mr. Smiff's first reaction was that it was me who delt said fart. Because he spends a large amount of his time traveling with 5 other guys who take great pleasure out of flatulence, it wasn't quite as disturbing to him as it was me. Welcome to his world. Mother In Law Smiff did not have the blessing of hearing the explosion.

I was so stunned. I was totally unbelieving I had been farted on by a stranger. I didn't want to turn around and look because I was just so shocked. The daughter thought it was me as well because she said my face turned red. I got so tickled. The Mother in Law also became suspicious that I had lived up to the saying that "The first smeller's always the feller."

Praise the Lord and pass the air freshener, the party containing the Farter got up and left. It was almost as if they left us a parting gift. I was still not recovered from the whole experience when Mr. Smiff pointed out that the Farter returned to the scene of the crime to leave a tip. Just as he pointed this out, I took a sip of my drink and proceeded to spew it all over #1 Son and Nephew Smiff. I have never before spit drink on anybody while laughing.

As Mr. Smiff said so eloquently, this guy put the crack in Cracker Barrel.


jag said...

There are few things worse than being stuck in someone else's fart cloud.

Mmmm. Hash brown casserole sounds awesome right now. Talk about gassy....

Mr. Smiff said...

I could hardly wait to comment on a subject so near and dear to my heart,heart,heart!
Yes, it was just as my lovely wife said. A total stranger offered to us a rather musical tone from his classy, countrified colon at Cracker Barrel last night. It`s certainly a night I shall remember for quite a while.
I must say, the mood certainly got brighter at our table after that. There`s something about human gas that can only bring that kind of closeness from one`s family, especially when you have your kids and nephew there. We enjoyed stories of family gas from days past for the remainder of our meal from the kids. My mom was so pleased!
I would like to salute my hero who decided, the heck with it, I`m going for it dude! When the waitress asked him if he wanted desert, he said, " I believe I`ll pass" Well he did and then some! I guess pooting is allowed in the smoking section!......Mr. Smiff

john h said...

Lol...Mr. Smiff's commentary adds a whole new 'scent' to the original.

Thanks for the great laughs..glad I'm reading about this instead of being surrounded by the fallout..

WonderDawg said...

Hu Flung Dung?

Chinese for: Pew! does this room stink!

me said...

Never again will I see the grASScals in the same light again. :P

MIA said...

I'm laughing so haard I may pass a poof myself, it's that or milk coming out of my nose. ahahahahaha

Kathy T. said...

I try so hard not to "crack" up at bathroom humor, but let's face it... farts are funny. Really. They are. Unless it happens in bed at night and it isn't mine. Then it's not funny. At all.

jag said...

"classy, countrified colon"

HAHAHAHAHA! I know a few people with those!

Ginger said...

*SNORK!* Why did I read this at work? I am sitting at my computer crying because I am trying to to cause a scene laughing so hysterically. In the words of the great Larry the Cable guy, "I don't care who you are, farts are funny, and if you say they ain't, you're a lyin'!"

Tony Arnold said...

That is the problem with the blog world, you never know if you are around the person in public. I had no idea that was you Sista sitting behind me!

Just kidding folks...as far as you know anyway.


sista said...

I thought that smelt like a bloggah fart.

grandefille said...

Jeepers. Not even a "whoops!" or a "goodness, I'm sorry" amongst them? Clods.

I wish my niece, Baby Fishmouth, had been there with y'all. She'd've have stood up in her chair and said EWWWWW and then pointed at the offender. She does it all the time at church. (They have a very farty congregation. Don't ask me why.)

Few things are as funny -- and as righteous -- as the wrath of an 18-month-old who's tired of being asked "is that YOUR diaper?"

P.S. to tha Mistah: Thank you for the Stringbean visual. Ha!

grandefille said...

P.S. -- Y'all would have had to carry me to the car if I'd heard the cacophony. Hearing poots makes me laugh like just about nothing else in the world. (As I've noted before at my blog.)

Why, yes, I am seven. And quite tall for my age. Why do you ask?

Mr. Smiff said...

I wasn`t sure how many, if any would have gotten the "Stringbean" line. Very impressive oh sharp one!
In fact, I bet the gentleman had stringbeans with his dinner, judging by the green funk in the air! It`s pretty dang impressive to combine tone and odor as he did that night. I bet his wife was one proud lady!..........Mr. Smiff

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