I was reading Dooce and she asked the question, referring to dating, "What are your deal breakers?" My Schishter told me just last week, that I really need to tell y'all the story of "The Sweaty Guy." I had forgotten about the Sweaty Guy. It was one of the funniest experiences I have ever had in life and I totally forgot about the Sweaty Guy. I don't even know that Mr. Smiff has heard this story.
I've mentioned before that Mr. Smiff and I went through a "rough" period some years ago and we actually weren't married for a little over a year. During that time, I went on a few dates that were very unmemorable. That is until the Sweaty Guy came along and he was memorable in a bad sort of way.
The Sweaty Guy was extremely fun to talk to/email with. He was quite intelligent, articulate, humorous, had a really good job. I went to meet him for lunch. He was reasonably nice looking...he was no Short and Fat or CeeElCee (but, who is?) but, he looked kempt and looked as if he probably had good hygenic habits. He was very warm and friendly. Everything was looking good...until we sat down.
As we began to eat, I noticed he seemed to be perspiring a little. Probably nervous...afterall, he was dining with me, Sista Smiff, all of my hotness and all would cause some nervousness. (I am being facetious here). Really, I chalked it up to a little nervousness. No big whoop.
The perspiring a little increased to out and out sweating. At first, he looked like he had been doing a little exercise. I kept thinking, "This will stop soon." No such luck. It kept on and got worse and worse. Sweat was pouring out of him like somebody had turned on a faucet. I had never seen anything like this before in my life. I've seen my father have night sweats when he was dying of cancer and it wasn't anything like this. I couldn't look right at him, for that would be awkward. He never slowed down his chatter for a second. It was almost as if he did not notice he was sweating all over creation.
He must've sensed my totally freaking out at the wonder that a person could sweat like this because he said "Don't mind me...I sweat when I eat." Oh ok. That TOTALLY makes sense. (?) The sweating continued and believe it or not...got worse. He was wiping himself with napkins, his shirt...I did feel bad for him but could not wait to get out of there.
He tried to smooth the situation over by telling me how he stalked his ex-wife. That made all the pool of perspiration around the table roll away. (Dating tip: Do not tell somebody on your first date how jealous you were of your ex-wife. It's NOT attractive)
Finally, it was time to leave. I was feeling like the Sweaty Guy was digging him some Sista. I was almost sure he was going to try to touch me in some sort of affectionate way, be it a hug or whatever.
Your Sista is not a touchy feel-ly gal and can't fake it, ya see, but that was not the issue on this day. I didn't want to touch the poor Sweaty Guy, not even the slightest fingertip. He was soaking wet and had to have smelled bad. (Never mind that whole Stalking the Ex Wife thing...I wasn't fillin' it) I pictured the Sweaty Guy trying to hug, or God forbid, kiss me and me trying to get out of it like Beverly D'Angelo tried to avoid Cousin Eddie's kisses in the Vacation movies.
We get out to the parking lot and I'm thinking "Oh crap..he's going to try to Cousin Eddie me" so as he is still incessantly talking, I ease my way away from him towards my car. "Ok..bye"...get in my car and git. I've never been so happy to get back to work from lunch as I was that day.
It didn't dawn on me through the whole lunch time how funny this experience was. It was not until I got back to work and was telling my co-workers about the experience. I got to telling the story of the Sweaty Guy and laughed so hard, I nearly wet my pants and had these people (who all mostly hated me and thought I was totally of the devil, for some reason) rolling.
The Sweaty Guy emailed me later that afternoon and said something like "Was everything ok? You seemed to leave rather quickly." Uh...yeah. He went on to tell me he had some sort of heart condition and that the medication he took caused profuse sweating. I felt so bad for the guy. I hope I have conveyed in this little story the amount of perspiration this guy eliminated. He was probably dehydrated afterwards.
He emailed me a few more times, hoping to get together again and I don't remember what I said to brush him off. I really didn't want to hurt his feelings because he was not a bad guy (except for his penchant for stalking).
It's a jungle (gym) out there in the dating world. I don't envy the single folks.
Take a whiff of Sista Smiff and you'll come back for more, that's fo sho!
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